Zelma’s Trip

Well I got my visa extended in the end but it was more of a fag than I
hoped.  In all fairness it could have been a lot worse but it was super
hot which didn't help.  I asked one guard why I couldn't
 just go straight
back into Thailand having got my exit stamp and he
 replied that I had to
go to Malaysia first as, "It's the law!" so I
 obliged.  It means I have
Malaysian stamps in my passport though, even
 if the entrance and exit stamp
do show the same date!

The journey to the border was actually really amusing as my
 driver spoke
about as much English as I do Thai.  He showed me a phrase
 book he had which
was unhelpful for me as it had things for drivers
 written in English and then
the translations in Thai and not English
 characters.  I did nearly wet myself
though reading the things that you
 obviously need to know as a Thai chauffeur.
I would have written more
 down but he looked very confused and I was trying to hide my
amusement...here are a few:

"We are running out of petrol"

A VERY common occurence I can see the use of pointing this out to the
driver.

"Some drivers are drunk or use amphetamine".



Now what do you think the likelihood of seeing that one in an English
phrasebook for drivers is?  The book was really thin as well which makes
it even more worrying.  There was also a note later which was
 obviously
directed towards the chauffeur which said something along the
lines of, "When you are drunk and drive it worries me".

I liked this one:



"Sir, I need the money for the extension of licence plate tax and first
class insurance, they will expire next week simultaneously.  If we
don't renew them, we'll certainly face a heavy fine."

Yes you would but how nicely you phrase it!



This one I really should learn:



"I think we are getting lost why don't you ask a traffic police (sic)".



I -dare- anyone to say the following:

"Please tell him not to smoke in my car.  I'm suffocating to death."

At this point I was seriously struggling to control my giggles and had
tears running down my face.  My driver looked -very- confused.

Another one which is phrased well but again would be used -so- much out
 here:



"Don't drive zig zag like this, I'm getting a headache.  I don't mind
if we're a bit late."

True but bless:

"Now Bangkok is notorious for traffic jams and I am very sad about
 this."

Another beautifully Engish thing to say:



"Frankly speaking, I don't like the way you drive.  Please change your
driving habits".

Honestly the whole book was gold dust.  I should have offered to buy it
from him but he was already quite confused and looked slightly upset
at me noting things down.  If only the Thai translations were in an
English
 character set.  I mean can you imagine being able to say those things to
the guy driving you?  Unfortunately there weren't sayings for the
things I would regularly like to be able to say to Thai drivers like:

"This bus stinks of poo."


"Please turn the Thai Karaoke down, or preferably off, otherwise I may
initiate a massacre on your lovely vehicle".

"We're all going to die."

"AAaaargh, I nearly died."



Oh and...

"Will you kindly stop telling me you love me/ want boom boom/
how beautiful I am and remove your hand from my leg otherwise 
you
may get a slightly different response to the one you so clearly want.
".

After the somewhat entertaining visa run I went back to my glorious abode,
had some dinner and engaged in a bit more retail therapy.  Well, when in Thailand,
do as the Malaysians do, as they say!