Zelma’s Trip

My flight from Bangkok to Phuket was fine.  It was on a proper plane, unlike in Laos, which helped.  I arrived at Phuket airport totally shattered after the bus journey next to ting tong (crazy in Thai) woman and no sleep.  The minibus to the main beaches was allegedly full and the taxi prices were extortionate.  I was very close to hiring a car but decided eventually that this was probably not the best plan when I was so tired.  I finally got a cab (which I very nearly didn’t get into as it looked so much like a boy-racer’s car) and went to Nai Yang beach, one of the quietest beaches on Phuket, near the airport.  With my bounds of energy I settled for a somewhat ridiculous resort type place (Nai Yang resort actually) which felt very out of character and not in keeping with my usual lodgings.  I managed to get them down on the price largely I think due to it being low season. 

After checking in I went for a wander down to the beach (all of ten yards or so) and was pleased that it was almost completely deserted and absolutely beautiful.  I had a gin and tonic and a lovely swim before sitting at a beach bar to watch one of the most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen.  After that I headed a bit further along the seafront to get some food and got talking to some locals at another beach side bar.  This led to a few games of pool and plenty of free Sang Som (Thai rum).

The following day I went to a beach a bit further up (Mai Kao) and chilled out for the day.  In the evening I went for an amazing meal at a restaurant which was like a garden with draping vines, waterfalls and an abundance of tiny frogs and orchids growing from the trees.  Later on I went back to the beach bar, played a bit more pool and then ended up at a crazy local karaoke place.  The guy that ran it was one of the bar worker’s cousins.  It was most amusing but also really odd as all the Thais could actually sing.  It was most un-English, I mean even the old drunk guy in the corner had a beautiful voice – or maybe that was the Sang Som!

The next day one of the guys from the bar kindly volunteered to give me a tour of the island.  We set off on his scooter and he took me to the most beautiful beach in one of the many National Parks.  In the evening the same beach bar activated its magnet.  In all fairness there weren’t that many places open and all the staff were really friendly.  Well, other than one of the female staff who told me that she had a present for me.  When I opened my hand she pushed a stag beetle into it and got the reaction she wanted as I shrieked and jumped backwards.  Not that I’m squeamish about that kind of thing you understand, but it was somewhat of a shock! 

There was one exception to the friendliness in the bar which came in the form of a guy I played pool against.  I can’t remember his name but he was basically some white, Western guy who now lived out in Phuket.  He was very over-friendly shall we say.  It really annoyed me as he had clearly decided that molesting Thai women was okay and had extended this in his head to encompass the whole of womankind.  I contemplated knocking him out and then remembered several things I had read about South East Asia and thought this may lead to every man in the bar laying into me.  I decided against it and just gave him polite death stares until he got the message.  Later I asked one of the local guys what would have happened if I had lamped him one and he said that they all would have fallen about laughing as he annoys the hell out of them.  I like Thai people and should so go with my first instincts!

In the book I recently read (“This champagne mojito is the last thing I own”) the protagonist visits Bulgaria and in his amazingly profound way makes an observation about the women there.  He essentially notes that all  the young women are absolute stunners and that then something goes hideously wrong and they all turn into trolls.  I don’t want to show my lack of political correctness here but let’s just say that I think Thailand may be twinned with Bulgaria.  I contemplated how I could ask the locals about this and somehow, tactfully managed to do so without offending them.  No seriously, I actually did.  Anyway, the guy I asked said that the reason was that Thai women got married, had children and that then they don’t care.  I, again with utter tact and diplomacy, asked if their husbands minded or traded them in for younger, stunner-model-types.  Actually I didn’t phrase it quite that badly.  Anyway, the guy’s answer to this was that of course the husband didn’t mind as they loved their wives and they had given them beautiful children.  How cool is that?  English blokes have a lot to learn!

The same evening I was watching t.v. in the bar when someone changed the sports channel to some pants concert with ageing rockers.  I was reliably informed that these were the King’s favourite groups and that the concert was in honour of him.  I suggested it was a bit like the Royal Variety performance and there were several nods of agreement.  I was slightly confused, therefore, when my question of whether the King was there watching was granted with hysterical laughter by all parties.  They later informed me that he was old and ill and rarely traveled.  One thing you read a lot is that the one thing you should -never- do in Thailand is be critical of the Royal family.  Thier love for the King is crazily evident with everyone praising him and many people having his picture in their house.  I was even told by one Thai person that the Thais like the English as their King went to Oxford University.  So, anyway, we’re all sat around watching (me wondering why) this concert of ageing rockers in honour of the King who (wisely) isn’t even there and I would put money on him not having been sat glued to his television set.  It’s at this point that, for some reason, I get curious (as they said he was old and ill) who would take over the thrown when he, well you know, coughed it.  Again, I didn’t phrase my question quite like this but don’t think it was phrased particularly brilliantly, infact I don’t think it would be possible to phrase that question well here.  At this point two of the people who were sat down got straight up and left the table.  One person humoured me slightly and informed me that the King had sons and a daughter and that one of the sons would become King.  I later found out that the following week the guy who politely humoured me was to become a monk….hmmm!

After finding out about the local culture I was somewhat miraculously invited to a local woman’s Birthday party.  This was at a bar a little further along the beachfront.  I asked if this would be appropriate (see picture of cultural relations me) and was told that it would be fine.  When we all arrived the party was in full swing with the obligatory loud karaoke and two small children banging make-shift instruments of bottles and plates in surprisingly good time considering their ages and how far past their bed-time it was.  Actually one of the bar workers said that if he had children he wouldn’t let them stay up so late.  I was a little surprised at this as I thought such boring notions were intrinsically Western.  I probed him further and he stated that if children stayed up late they couldn’t concentrate at school.  I pointed out that it was their mother’s Birthday which, unless there’s some weird Thai custom I don’t know about, means that they would only be up late one night of the year.  The bar worker assured me that this was not a one-off and was demonstrative (no he didn’t use that word) of irresponsible parenting.  Well that was me told – I was quite enjoying their tinkering on various crockery and glassware up to that point aswell!

The woman whose Birthday it was was hilarious and so much fun.  Her, and various others, kept pulling me up to dance (I have -lovely- photos which I will upload soon for all your amusement).  They also kept trying to get me to do karaoke, insisting that they had English songs too.  I explained to the Birthday girl (woman) that if I did karaoke all her friends would leave.  She just smiled, obviously nor understanding, but a man behind her who overheard roared with laughter and then repeated it to everyone like it was the funniest joke he had ever heard.

I asked the Birthday woman how old she was and she told me that she was forty seven.  Forty seven?  Seriously, when you see the pictures!  I asked a couple of people who spoke English who verifed it.  I swear, if she was forty seven I take back the comments about links with Bulgaria!