Zelma’s Trip

When we arrived in Ko Pha Ngan at Thong Sala pier we got a shared minibus to Hat Rin (the beach where the monthly full moon parties are). We then took a long-tail boat to Hat Thian where “The Sanctuary” is. Julian had apparently heard (and read) very good things about “The Sanctuary” and when we arrived it soon became apparent why. Hat Thian is a small, beautiful bay and there are three or four places to stay around it. “The Sanctuary” had the most amazing position with a relaxed restaurant area on the beach looking straight out over the beautiful bay and sea. Aswell as relaxing “The Sanctuary” also offers numerous treatments and is somewhere that a lot of guests come to fast and detox. You can perhaps see why both with the party atmosphere of a lot of surrounding places and also the sheer beauty and tranquility of the location. Without wanting to go on about it I would whole-heartedly recommend the place. They have a website if anyone is interested.

We were shown several rooms. I opted for a modest but perfectly formed bungalow. I actually think that I had one of the best rooms in the place. It was just above the restaurant and had sea views from the lovely balcony. The bathroom was shared with the person next-door but was amazing and built around the rocks with large boulders incorporated into the walls. Steve and Julian shared “garden house” one of the higher end places which, although slightly further up the mountain, had beautiful views, a big balcony and a television with DVD player. After checking in we did what was required of us, i.e. very little.

I spent the following day around Hat Thian, swimming, relaxing in the restaurant and drinking copious amounts of fruit juice and shakes. Julian and I took a wander to the beach further along (Hat Wai Nam) which was also stunning. We went for a swim in the sea, although this experience was slightly marred by Julian managing to cut his foot. I got a couple of the stones out for him and he walked in a beautifully effeminate way back to “The Sanctuary”. One of the cuts apparently still hurt and, tools in hand it soon transpired that it hurt as it had a shard of glass in, which I managed to remove with tweezers.

Julian and I got a boat back to Hat Rin to look into the possibility of diving and snorkelling in Ko Tao and had a look around the town. After buying provisions, having a drink and watching “Family Guy” we booked a diving and snorkelling trip.

In the evening we relaxed and then I went to “The Garden House” and joined Julian and Steve in watching “Kung Fu Panda” which was one of the previously noted provisions. It was entertaining and felt strangely like the kind of thing that should be watched here rather than at home.

On Thursday Steve decided that he also wanted to come snorkelling so we all headed to Hat Rin for the trip. Julian was taken off in his bus to go to the dive site and Steve and I were taken to the pier to get the ferry to Ko Tao. The first place we stopped at on Ko Tao was amazing. We got off the ferry and wandered down to the most beautiful beach. I had been disappointed with the snorkelling previously on this trip but Ko Tao was great. You swam out from the beach for about twenty metres and then found coral and numerous fish. There were lovely anenomes, sea urchins and sea cucumbers a-plenty. I saw a pipe fish, which I don’t think I have ever seen before, and discovered that lauging really doesn’t work with a snorkel on. The amusement at how funny the fish looked faded as I exhaled through my nose due to the laughing, broke the seal of the mask, and promptly swalled about half a gallon of sea water. Although Steve had previously been slightly reticent about snorkelling I informed him that the best snorkelling was at the further areas where he would be out of his depth and he joined me to go further out. He seemed to really enjoy himself and I loved it. We went back to the boat and were taken to a second point around the island. This time you snorkelled around the rocks as there was no beach and you got in straight from the boat. We had previously talked about jumping off the boat and I said that I think it would most likely, boringly, be frowned upon. However when we stopped they actually suggested we might like to jump off the boat. Well before anything ese could be muttered I was there, on the side in my bikini and ready to go. What I hadn’t counted on was the tour guy announcing, “Lady going to jump”, at which point all the fellow passengers rushed over to my side of the boat to watch the spectacle. This put me off slightly as firstly, a lot of the passengers were Asian and in slightly more conservative swimming attire than myself and now staring at me in a small camouflage bikini and secondly, the boat was high enough to have made me worry slightly about my bikini and I going in separate directions upon contact with the water. Fortunately a nice Australian woman next to me obviously saw my sudden horror and volunteered to jump at the same time as me so we leapt into the water.

The snorkelling at the second point was possibly not quite as good as the first but it was different. There were more coves and smaller areas to explore and it felt more like you were the only one snorkelling there when you headed to more secluded areas between large rocks. After getting back on the boat I convinced Steve that he really should jump in off the boat. He obliged and I think he was glad that he did.

In the evening I had the crazy thing going on that I get sometimes after being on a boat i.e. you still feel like you’re on the boat despite being on dry land where you have the rocking motion etc. I was pleased to hear that Julian had this aswell. Well not pleased for him but pleased that I was not the only one. I was slightly less pleased when Steve started talking about a programme he watched where a woman had the same thing which persisted for around two years or something horrific.

Despite my wobbly head I went to a half-moon party with Steve over by Hat Rin. We got the long-tail boat with an English couple. Well techinically I don’t think they were a “couple” but there were two of them so that’s good enough for me. I was pleased when the following day I overheard the girl from the couple (Emma) describing her night to a friend and saying, “And we met two really nice people, Steve and Zelma”. It’s always good to hear that kind of thing, particularly when the person is not saying it to please you as they don’t know you’re there. We shared a couple of buckets with Emma and Joe (the English couple) on the beach before getting a shared taxi (with some very beautiful but -very- loud Glaswegian girls) out to the middle of the jungle where the party was. The party itself was pretty cool with the obligatory U.V lighting, glow paint and the like. It was mostly a friendly bunch of people and the open air surroundings amidst the trees were pretty amazing. When we headed back to Hat Rin beach Steve went to talk to someone, I had a final drink and then we got a long-tail boat back to Hat Thian.

On the Thursday we spent our final full day around “The Sanctuary” generally relaxing, swimming, eating and drinking fruit shakes. Julian also played backgommon with me again and I managed to finish up on him, hoorah! Steve and I took a wander to the bay the other side to the one where Julian had previously managed to injure himself. The beach (Hat Yuan) was beautiful powder and there were a few more bars and guesthouses than on Hat Thian. On the hillside between Hat Thian and Hat Yuan there was a Muay Thai training camp and, although there was no-one training to watch, there was a very kind boxer who walked past firstly having clearly just fought and wearing his shorts and later in a towel! In the evening we watched another DVD.

The next day we left “The Sanctuary”, however prior to doing so I realised I had managed to lose my back-up cash. Well when I say “lose” I possibly mean it was acquired by someone else as I am relatively sure where I left it in my room. I am relatively reticent to stay it was stolen though as I hate it when people instantly decide things have been stolen then they find them later or whatever. There were also several other things that I would have thought may have gone if this was the case such as my camera, Ipod etc etc. I have also “found” some money on this trip which I had obviously previously put in a safe place so we shall see. Anyway, what this meant was that I had to get a boat to Hat Rin to get more money out. Steve also needed to get money so, somewhat annoyingly, we had to go back over before making the same journey to leave for Ko Samui.

On the Saturday I chilled out for the day, explored a bit and checked out a few of the shops. I joined Julian and Steve in the jeep they had hired to explore the island a bit. I had already witnessed Steve and Julian together and they were such a married couple. They were hilarious to be fair and constantly ribbing one another. They also extended this to me far too early on. I keep saying this but why is it that I become the butt of everyone’s jokes almost instantly? I’m going to take this as a compliment along the lines of people knowing I can take it or the warm vibes I give off….or something.

We went to a night market which was full of colours, flavours and smells. There was also a woman wearing another great t-shirt for my collection, this one said:

“I’m still loving you , but not now ‘Cause I have to take a dump'”

Charming I’m sure.

There were various games and both Steve and Julian excelled themselves at the “throwing darts at balloons” game in a, missing the balloons kind of way. Julian also did well at the “missing all the targets with the gun” game, although technically if this was the title of the game he would have excelled. I then tried my luck at the “catch a small fish in a paddling pool with a net made of paper” game. I also sucked. I later saw children using the plastic pot to scoop the fish up which I thought was definitely cheating as the whole point was trying to catch a fish with the paper net without breaking it. In all fairness though I have absolutely no idea what I would have done if I won a fish. Now that would have been fun at customs!

Later in the evening I met up with Steve and Julian and we headed into town. We again became unwilling subjects to the obligatory football watching and another slightly late night. We went to one of the bar/clubs at Chaweng where Steve rather entertainingly decided to try his hand at rodeo and the climbing of a weird rope ladder thing. Well, when I say he decided we did encourage him a bit, although he didn’t really need much convincing it has to be said.

On the Sunday we headed out in the jeep and went to a couple of temples on the way to “Big Buddha” . I wasn’t suitably attired so didn’t go inside the temples. Steve made a lovely observation that I looked like the girls employed in the streets in China (I think) to sell a khat like substance to passing drivers. Apparently they are very scantily clad. I was distinctly unimpressed by this, although to be honest I made quite a lot more of it than I actually felt. I was wearing a halter-neck (over a bikini I might add) and a skirt. It’s not like I was wandering round in a bikini or a boob tube or something. Anyway, so I didn’t go into the temples, took a couple of photos and had a cigarette.

After that we headed to grandfather and grandmother rock, so called as the two rocks resemble the nether regions of a man and a lady. Julian explained that apparently an old couple who had been inseparable their whole lives were lost at sea and that then the two rocks appeared. Hmm, I’m not sure I’ve recounted that story particularly well, or that he did in the first place actually! I remember wondering why this would result in a huge phallic stone and a truly pornographic female version. I think I asked about this at the time and whether they were randy old pensioners actually.

Anyway, after the obligatory comedy shots next to the rather rude rocks we headed to Na Mueang Waterfall. By the time we actually got to the waterfall it was dark but we decided to go and have a look anyway. Although it was dark walking down to the fall and over the rocks, the actual area where the fall was was in a clearing and you could see more easily. I, again, was brilliantly attired and was suitably girly in my wedges on the rocks. We went for a swim which was so refreshing and lovely in the pool at the bottom of the waterfall.

The following day Steve and myself decided to head back to the waterfall so that we could actually see it properly, take some pictures and have a swim in daylight. Julian didn’t come as he was apparently “busy” – most probably going for another “massage” or something. Wow he’s going to love me for that one! We ended up at a different waterfall initially and it was relatively small. It’s bigger brother was apparently up the road so we drove a bit further. This waterfall was supposed to be a twenty minute walk but neither Steve nor I had great footwear on. Admittedly I wasn’t wearing wedgs, but flip-flops were something of a poor substitute. It was relatively rocky, slippery and I nearly stood on a snake at one point. Okay, nearly is maybe a slight exaggeration but it was close enough to my foot when it scuttled off to make me jump out of my skin and let out a silly yelp. Added to this, and the fact that Steve was literally being eaten alive by mosquitos, we decided to turn back and head back to Na Mueang waterfall. It was just as magical as when we had visited it previously and the swim was so welcome after walking in the heat and being eaten. On the way back to town we managed to get lost on the island…..I blame Steve!

On Tuesday we left Koh Samui and headed for the pier to get a boat to Ko Pha Ngan, a smaller island renowned for, among other things, its crazy full-moon parties. Julian had been organised and checked out possible places to stay. The boat journey itself was relatively choppy and I was so grateful not to be suffering as a few of the other passengers were.

I left the village on a local bus which, by some amazing pre-planning (for pre-planning read coincidence or alternatively fluke), arrived in Suratthani just in time to get the bus for the last boat for Koh Samui.  I was told I would be taken to the port in a minibus and was then loaded onto one only to be told to get off again.  When I finally got on the bus which did leave it was half full but literally half the passengers managed to board with stinky smelling sausages.  Mmmmm.  I am -so- flying back to Bangkok from the islands.

The bus eventually got to the port and I boarded the ferry for Koh Samui.  The ferry itself was not dissimilar to one at home and it was a pleasant crossing.  When I arrived in Koh Samui I shared a tuk-tuk and headed for Chaweng Beach where I checked into a bungalow by the beach.

Having sorted myself out to some extent I wandered down to the beach side bar and had a drink.  I got talking to a guy from South Africa, who is now living in London, called Julian.  His friend from South Africa (originally from China) and now living in Scotland (Steve) turned up slightly later and we played some pool and chatted.

We left the beachside bar and headed into town.  As the Euros were on we decided to stay out to watch the Turkey game.  Can I just point out for all those in Europe the games were at the most inconvenient time here.  The rather late night/ early morning also seemed to entail rather a lot of Sang Som.  I think I might have to take responsibility for this one.  I decided that Steve needed to sample the Thai drinking delights and bought a bottle for the table.  After the football and too much Sang Som we headed back.  During the course of the evening we had met several people including a Thai guy called Kim who appeared to take a bit of a liking to me.  When I was back in my room there was a little knock at the door.  As I opened it I saw Kim standing on my doorstep who explained that he had nowhere else to sleep and that he would have to sleep on the beach.  Well I can think of worse places to sleep, it’s hardly like it was cold – I hope he enjoyed the sand!

I woke up early, very early infact like sunrise type early and took a local boat out across the "little ocean".  The place was absolutely beautiful and in areas there were lilies as far as the eye could see.  It was unlike anything I have ever seen before, and may not again but was a truly amazing experience.  There were white lilies with huge lotus flowers and areas with so many pink lilies that they spanned out in the distance like some carpet from the 70s.  It would have been a twitcher’s paradise as there were beautiful birds everywhere.  I would love to tell you what they all were but unfortunately I am not an expert on Thai birds (make up your own jokes here) but there were some cormorants, herons, egrets and these cool birds with an amazing azure plumage.

Later I went into Patthalung town, ate lunch and had a brief look around.  My plan of going somewhere non-touristy had worked, perhaps to a greater extent than I had hoped as there were no Westerners anywhere.  I decided to get a local train back to the guesthouse which was an experience in itself.  It was great actually with women walking down the train carrying various vegetables and seeds, some of which I recognised as I had ingested them the previous evening.  I took some photos, a couple of which inadvertently had guards in the background which they were apparently not best impressed about as they gave me some seriously dodgy looks when they went passed.  The journey was brilliant and cost me the princely sum of 3 Baht.  That’s around ten pence.

When I got back to the estuary I went and sat out on a wooden construction of pathways where there were eating areas and the King’s house (one of many in the country) jutting out over the water.  I ate the fruit I had bought in town and had a bit of a moment gazing over the expanse of water.

The following morning I got up and went into the mountains.  I was the centre of attention again and was invited to join some locals at their house.  We sat outside drinking Sang Som and then they asked if I wanted to go fishing.  I was intrigued so agreed and headed through the jungle with the fishermen.  I must say I hadn’t really planned for this when I left in the morning and wasn’t strictly suitably attired for rambling through virgin jungle and leaping through rivers.  I had huge wedges on for a start which led to me looking like a huge wuss as they leapt from rock to rock and I stood there looking confused as to how to traverse some stream without breaking my ankle.  It reminded me of trekking in Cuc Phoung National Park actually and chuckling to myself that I was probably the only person to do so in a butterfly thong and a pair of baby pink trousers.  Anyway, so I’m making a royal idiot of myself by doddering about like some English fool until one of the local offers me his shoes.  This helped greatly but I still had to totter about like a doofus to avoid dropping my camera in the various sections of river.  I was also quite concerned about the fisherman’s feet as there were millipedes and funny caterpillars a-plenty.  I also have funky pictures of a huuuuge black scorpion.  Needless to say he was fine.

I was so glad that I agreed to descend into the jungle with a random group of men I had never met before.  On one level this may not sound like my finest moment, but if I hadn’t have gone I would have truly missed out.  To be honest I had gauged the situation and had decided it wasn’t too risky.  Watching them fishing was amazing.  They would wade into the river and throw a large net out.  One of them would then wade about in certain areas to get all the fish to swim into the net.  They then carefully gathered the net up before lifting it out of the water and picking all of the fish out.  They seemed to want me to help with this part so I obliged.  I had momentary moral issues as I pulled the fish out and threw them into the bag for them to suffocate to death.  Then I thought of rescuing them all and tipping them all back into the water.  Fortunately my brain does still operate and I realised that this would probably be about the most weird and offensive thing for the fisherman and I also thought that, seeing as I eat fish, I really should be able to catch them.  Actually I am a massive advocate of this whole situation.  There was a programme before I left on television called, "catch it, cook it eat it" or something, which showed the process for meat from animals running round the fields, to the slaughterhouse, to landing on your dinner plate.  I am a firm believer that anyone who eats meat really should be aware of the process.  Okay, enough of the rant now.  So we caught these fish which were like little whitebait type fish and when we had enough (I’m not quite sure what enough was but the fishermen decided) we went back to the house and they cooked them.  They were fried up with oil, salt and fish sauce and were absolutely delicious, even with the thought of their little puffing mouths running through my head as I munched them up whole!

When we went fishing we were accompanied by a small black and white dog.  She leapt about and was generally very sweet, although one of the fishermen pushed her in when she leapt into one of the fishing nets.  When I asked her name I was informed that she was called, "Bender" and seriously struggled to hold back the laughs.  I spent the whole afternoon calling Bender and trying desperately to control myself.  Later I asked what the name Bender meant and a confused villager said, "Black and white bear in China".  I then realised that, rather than walking round shouting Bender for several hours, I actually should have been saying Panda.

In the evening one of the female villagers asked if I wanted to stay in their house for the night.  To be honest I didn’t hesitate about this for too long at this point.  I knew that there were only women and children staying there and had picked up such a positive feeling about everyone in the village that I accepted.  I was given a room and again fed way too much food.

The following morning I woke up at the villager’s farm and went outside to look at the dairy cows and chickens.  I helped feed the cows and also swept up the yard.  I thought that I needed to make myself useful and show that I wasn’t some dapsy English girl after the wedges experience previously, but all the onlookers seemed to find me doing such things utterly hilarious.

It was so wonderful to be included by the villagers.  One person who I particularly liked was a woman who they told me was "grandmother".  She was particularly intrigued by me and liked to hold my arm for some reason.  She also made this crazy stuff with powders, gum and a pestle and mortar.  She had no teeth and would put this strange brown mixture in her mouth and then do a gummy smile.  She evidently walked everywhere and had lots of cats.  See some things span the cultures i.e. the old lady with her cats, not the pensioners walking everywhere.  When she arrived at one of the houses in the mountains she had clearly walked some distance and was quite hot.  She pottered slowly around the corner and I could just see her as she picked up a bucket of water and emptied its contents over her head.  The sight of the old lady with no teeth and drenched from head to toe in water really tickled me but it also seemed like a very sensible way to cool down and I wished that I could do the same.

Having said my Goodbyes to the villagers and thanking them for their hospitality as best I could with the language gaps, I left to get a bus North.

I decided to travel to a less touristy area of Thailand and went on a shared local minibus from the bus station towards Patthalung.  When I got to the ticket booth my Ipod earphone and my earring simultaneously collapsed making me seriously worry about the aura of my ear and its sudden destructive properties.  Maybe the rebellion against the Thai karaoke had finally started!

When I arrived in Patthalung I went to an area  around the "little ocean" which was basically  a kind of  estuary, lake type thing….wow my physical Geography teacher would be so proud.  Anyway, I checked into a lovely guesthouse overlooking the water.  I went for a wander and in the evening ended up walking through a local village.  I got talking to some of the locals, well talking is perhaps somewhat positive here but we were communicating.  I sat with a group of farmers and was invited to drink the local palm wine they had made.  It wasn’t my favourite tipple and I couldn’t decide if the overpowering plant taste was down to the fact it was made out of palm or whether it was as I was drinking it out of a coconut shell.  I finished it though and they were all pleased when I gave it the thumbs up.  I thought better of spitting it out and making a throwing up sound.  No really it wasn’t that bad.  They also offered me some ominous looking food.  I politely declined and then they offered me an egg.  As this was the first thing offered to me that I actually recognised I thought it a safe bet, thanked them and began to peel the shell off.  Unfortunately when I bit into the egg it was an interesting shade of grey.  I toyed with the idea of trying to flick little pieces into my handbag or the like but, partly as they were all looking at me, I ate it with glee.  I think I overcompensated slightly though as I was immediately offered another one!

After eating various unidentifiable seeds and vegetables I left the village and headed back to my guesthouse in preparation for an early start.

Well I got my visa extended in the end but it was more of a fag than I
hoped.  In all fairness it could have been a lot worse but it was super
hot which didn't help.  I asked one guard why I couldn't
 just go straight
back into Thailand having got my exit stamp and he
 replied that I had to
go to Malaysia first as, "It's the law!" so I
 obliged.  It means I have
Malaysian stamps in my passport though, even
 if the entrance and exit stamp
do show the same date!

The journey to the border was actually really amusing as my
 driver spoke
about as much English as I do Thai.  He showed me a phrase
 book he had which
was unhelpful for me as it had things for drivers
 written in English and then
the translations in Thai and not English
 characters.  I did nearly wet myself
though reading the things that you
 obviously need to know as a Thai chauffeur.
I would have written more
 down but he looked very confused and I was trying to hide my
amusement...here are a few:

"We are running out of petrol"

A VERY common occurence I can see the use of pointing this out to the
driver.

"Some drivers are drunk or use amphetamine".



Now what do you think the likelihood of seeing that one in an English
phrasebook for drivers is?  The book was really thin as well which makes
it even more worrying.  There was also a note later which was
 obviously
directed towards the chauffeur which said something along the
lines of, "When you are drunk and drive it worries me".

I liked this one:



"Sir, I need the money for the extension of licence plate tax and first
class insurance, they will expire next week simultaneously.  If we
don't renew them, we'll certainly face a heavy fine."

Yes you would but how nicely you phrase it!



This one I really should learn:



"I think we are getting lost why don't you ask a traffic police (sic)".



I -dare- anyone to say the following:

"Please tell him not to smoke in my car.  I'm suffocating to death."

At this point I was seriously struggling to control my giggles and had
tears running down my face.  My driver looked -very- confused.

Another one which is phrased well but again would be used -so- much out
 here:



"Don't drive zig zag like this, I'm getting a headache.  I don't mind
if we're a bit late."

True but bless:

"Now Bangkok is notorious for traffic jams and I am very sad about
 this."

Another beautifully Engish thing to say:



"Frankly speaking, I don't like the way you drive.  Please change your
driving habits".

Honestly the whole book was gold dust.  I should have offered to buy it
from him but he was already quite confused and looked slightly upset
at me noting things down.  If only the Thai translations were in an
English
 character set.  I mean can you imagine being able to say those things to
the guy driving you?  Unfortunately there weren't sayings for the
things I would regularly like to be able to say to Thai drivers like:

"This bus stinks of poo."


"Please turn the Thai Karaoke down, or preferably off, otherwise I may
initiate a massacre on your lovely vehicle".

"We're all going to die."

"AAaaargh, I nearly died."



Oh and...

"Will you kindly stop telling me you love me/ want boom boom/
how beautiful I am and remove your hand from my leg otherwise 
you
may get a slightly different response to the one you so clearly want.
".

After the somewhat entertaining visa run I went back to my glorious abode,
had some dinner and engaged in a bit more retail therapy.  Well, when in Thailand,
do as the Malaysians do, as they say!

I checked out and had some breakfast prior to asking at the tour desk about going South to extend my visa. As I was having serious issues with the thought of leaving the country I changed my flights so that I had a couple of extra weeks. Flying out on the 30th meant that I needed to extend my visa. When I was talking to the guy at the tour desk he infomed me that his colleague was getting a local van taxi to the bus station and that I could go with her. I sat and talked to him and flicked through a Thai magazine called ‘Gossip’ akin to ‘Heat’ magazine back home. He was telling me who all the people were i.e. "She famous actress in Thailand, he is famous D.J." etc. Then I asked about one woman and he said, "She likes to make breasts bigger". I must say I was glad to see that the whole Jordan and Pamela Anderson pointless celebrity thing spreads as far as Thailand!

When we got to the bus station a bus was literally leaving and the woman from the guesthouse told me that this was the correct bus for Hat Yai so we got on it as it left.

It’s official I -hate- bus journeys. Now, when I asked how long it took to get to Hat Yai I was told two hours. The woman from the guesthouse informed me that she was getting off at Trang which was about an hour from Krabi and half way. She did get off after about an hour and then about an hour later we got to Trang! I don’t know what it is with Thais and times and distances. Maybe there’s something lost in translation or maybe they care less about such things, I don’t know. What I do know is that you are invariably told that a journey is longer or shorter than it is. It’s much like in Vietnam when every motorbike taxi guy, when asked how far any distance is, will tell you that it is two kilometres. At least with one standard reply you quickly get to know that this is, to put it politely, nonsense. One common thing here in Thailand when bartering a price on a journey is that you are told that the journey takes longer than it actually does. When you then appear at the final destination in a fraction of the time quoted and you dare to ask them about this they reply with answers such as, "The traffic was very good today, yes?". Actually why do they do that? I mean, you ask a question which you want an answer for and actually, don’t really know the traffic all that well in some remote town in the Gulf of Thailand and, infact if you did know the traffic situation in the town in question you wouldn’t have agreed the price in the first place and wouldn’t be asking the question. Okay this is getting somewhat circular now but perhaps you can guage the level of frustration here!

These kind of misinterpretations are perhaps understandable but I have no idea why I was told that the bus journey was significantly shorter than it was or who would gain from giving me such misinformtation. What this actually had the effect of doing was giving me greater sadistic urges than normal on bus journeys.

I had to sit right at the back as all the other seats were taken. As I have previously learnt on bus journeys you should not sit at the back, nor anywhere beyond about the halfway point. The reason for this is that from this point backwards you are behind the toilet and the whole journey will thus inevitably stink of poo! Added to the poo issues there was the obligatory Thai karaoke and the bass speakers were positioned thoughtfully behind the back seats. For about ten seconds it made me reminisce about driving my car at home with the vibrations pumping through the seat. There are however three notable differences with these two scenarios. The first is that in my car I drive above twenty kilometres an hour and don’t stop every ten seconds to pick up yet more passengers. The second is that I can turn the volume up and, more importantly, down on my stereo. And the third and arguably most important difference is that my car does not reek of poo! Needless to say my moment of reflection didn’t last too long and I sat wondering how to distract myself. I tried to listen to my Ipod but couldn’t actually hear it, even on full volume, as the Thai karaoke was that God damn loud. At about the half-way point we stopped for a break. When we got back on the bus there was more space so I moved further forwards. There was one notable omission when I got back on the bus which -really- confused me. There was no toilet!?!?!?!?!

When I arrived in Hat Yai I checked into a large, seedy monstrosity called King Hotel. Hang on does anyone want to spell out the libel laws here? Hmmm, I’m sure they don’t apply to little old me. Most guesthouses and hotels I have stayed at previously have lists of rules including one which invariably states in polite terms that you are not to bring prostitues back to the hotel and indeed your room. One of my favourite ways this was put was, "No unintentional tourists allowed". This immediately brought thoughts to my head such as:

"Oh my God, I was only trying to get to work in Bethnal Green and somehow I’ve unintentionally ended up in a hotel room in Bangkok."

I mean that really would be unfortunate, No? Anyway, unlike the other places I have stayed at there were no such rules in place and they seemed to want to activiely encourage such behaviour. The staff made a point of letting me know that I was very welcome to bring, "friends" to my room. The porter also helpfully informed me that they did massages in the rooms and that he would offer this service for free as I was a "special guest". The room itself was okay if somewhat shabby. I had previously been informed at the reception desk, by a very proud member of staff, that, "All rooms are fully carpeted". I must say, even at the time this fact wasn’t drawing me in and it excited me even less when I actually saw the carpet! There was also a nice notice on the door which read, "Please keep door locked and chained at all times. Lovely!

My guidebook had stated the following of Hat Yai:

"Hat Yai, the transport axis of the region, is a concrete mess but attracts a million toursits a year, nearly all of them Malaysians who nip across the boder – just 50km away – to shop and get laid.

After such a lovely description I wasn’t expecting much which was fortunate as I didn’t get it. I soon learned that the desciption was very apt and, although I wasn’t interested in the latter, the place was a shopping heaven!

After a slightly less choppy boat ride I arrived in Krabi.  I decided to stay just down the from the main beach of Ao Nang which is outside of Krabi town centre itself.  Having wandered around the shops I pottered back to my guesthouse and decided to nip into a bar for a cheeky G & T.  the bar was slightly mad with loud music blaring, U.V. lights and glowing paint.  There was also a bonfire on the beach which, when the wind was in the right (or rather the wrong) direction, would cover you in wafts of acrid smoke.  I went to the toilet and was so excited by the mirror mosaics, sea theme and sea-shell toilet seats that I decided to take a photo.  Unfortunately in order to fit the full splendour of the scene into shot I had to take several steps out of the women’s toilet so that I was standing outside the men’s.  As I was about to capture the scene in all its glory a man walked out of the gent’s and gave me such a filthy look that I scuffled straight back into the ladies’ without managing to capture my masterpiece.

When I went back to my table a bar-tender brought over two gin and tonics.  I pointed out that there was only one of me to which he replied, "happy hour".  I must say I think that’s one of the few times I have been annoyed with a buy one get one free!

The following morning I went into town (Ao Nang) and had breakfast.  In the afternoon I went kayaking around the mangrove swamps and karst scenery.  I was on a group with two Welsh girls (Sophie and Eilsa), two Thais (from Hat Rin) and our guide (Nana).  when we were shown the kayaks the guide seemed to think it a very unwise idea that all three English girls have single kayaks.  I showed Nana my biceps and said, "I’m very strong".  Obviously my upper arms look slightly different in my eyes to everyone else’s as he replied, "you will get very tired".  Elisa and Sophie opted to share a double kayak, as did the Thai couple but I was adamant and, to be fair, I was later glad that I was.

The first place we stopped was a kind of mangrove swamp and the floor was hopping with mudskippers.  I asked Nana if he could catch one.  He obliged, well kind of, by getting out of his kayak and promptly sinking up to his thighs in thick mud, much to everyone’s amusement.  The next stop was a kind of cave, burial site and Nana climbed up to show us human bones.  I swear they had been planted there to show the tourists, but they were actually human bones so on second thoughts perhaps that’s worse!  The final place we stopped at was a cave which was full of monkeys.  They were surprisingly unphased when we got out to point and stare and take photos.  Some of the monkeys had babies which was lovely to see.

We then continued further inland from the sea and went into the most stunning lagoon before proceeding through more rivulets (is that the right word) and mangrove trees.  The Thai coupe seemed to struggle somewhat with their kayak controls and, on the way back, as we had to paddle across the estuary against the tide they really struggled.  Elisa and Sophie had to catch a bus to Bangkok and, worried they may miss it, paddled ahead.  Nana said I could go with them and when the three of us got back a jeep took Elisa and Sophie to the bus station.  I waited and waited until finally the other couple got back, just before another group.  As the van had gone Nana tried to start his tuk-tuk.  There was clearly no battery output and we had several attempts at pushing it up and down the cobbly road until if eventually blurted into life.

That evening I had the most amazing prawn korma ever and spent way too much money shopping prior to having an early night in preparation for my early start the following maorning.

On Saturday I was picked up and taken to the pier for the boat and snorkelling trip I had booked.  This time it was on a proper speed boat.  I was with a group including two young honeymooners (Alex and Becky) from South East England.  We went to a lagoon, Hong Island and Palong (hmm, that’s not right but hey ho).  To be honest the snorkeling wasn’t great.  As Alex so kindly put it, "All the coral’s dead".  We weren’t quite sure whether this was a lack of redevelopment following the tsunami or whether the areas had too much boat activity.  The tsunami is still very fresh in everyone’s minds in this part of the country and if you speak to locals most of them will tell you stories about friends or family they lost or how they managed to survive by clinging to trees etc.  In places like Hong Island and Ko Phi Phi there are "tsunami evacuation route" signs which are slightly concerning.  Partly as, and I don’t mean to be insensitive here, the whole idea seems somewhat futile.  I mean isn’t that like evacuating an earthquake?  How do you know a tsunami’s approaching and if you do, isn’t it all a bit too late?  Isn’t that the whole point?

Anyway, other than the dead coral there were some vaguely interesting fish.  I also saw a sea cucumber which pleased me.  We fed the fish bread (which I don’t technically think is the best thing for the eco-system but believe me they weren’t getting any nourishment from the coral) and they occasionally decided that your legs looked like bread which really tickled.  The scenery was breath-taking and the sea was beautiful.  On the way back the sea was quite choppy and occasionally when the front of the boat landed back in the sea it came down with such a crash that it felt like we had landed on a big old rock.  I was chatting to Alex and Becky who said that they were really struggling with the hotel they were in.  They had traveled (as in back-packed) prior to getting married and found the whole constant service thing very difficult in their hotel.  Alex told a story about how one of their traveler friends came over prior to them leaving when they had all their clothes out on the bed ready to pack.  He took one look and was like, "What an Earth do you need all that fancy gear for, where are you going?  Thailand?  You just wanna take an empty bag and head to Khao San Road".  To be fair he had a point, but Becky and Alex pointed out that they were trying to do things on a bit more of a classy level as it was their honeymoon.

In the evening I went to a bar which supposedly had a pre-full moon party.  It was empty other than staff so I decided to call it a night and headed to bed.

I got a taxi to Phuket town and stopped for lunch at a local restaurant where I had the most amazing red snapper.  In fact the food was so good that I very nearly missed the "speed boat" to Ko Phi Phi.  When I say "speedboat", that’s what it said on the tin, well the ticket, but it was more like a small-ish ferry than a speedboat and, infact, seemed to lack the whole "speed" element entirely.  It was, however, quite good at wobbling from side to side in a nausea inducing fashion and also at having a -very-loud engine.

When the boat arrived in Ko Phi Phi it was clear why it has a reputation as being extremely beautiful (the island not the boat)l.  The place is how you would picture a tropical island and parts of the film "The Beach" were filmed there.  It was stunning sunshine and I checked into a beach bungalow about ten minutes from the busiest part of the main strip.

In the evening I headed into the "town" which was amazingly busy for the low season and had some dinner.  I actually had a really early night as I wasn’t feeling at my best – perhaps something to do with the dodgy boat trip.  The following morning I decided to head to a more remote part of the island and got a long-tail boat to long beach, supposedly one of the best beaches on Phi Phi with reefs just off the shoreline.  The place was gorgeous if amazingly quiet and I checked into a bungalow.  I went down to the beach and, shortly after getting into my stride, or rather my stroke, decided that the rather large waves and ominous grey sky probably meant I should get out of the sea.  Seconds after I did the heavens opened and boy did they open!  In fact they failed to close until the next morning.  Somewhat miffed by the inability to do anything I wanted to due to the weather I got a long-tail boat (in the rain I might add) back to the main part of the island.  Shortly before I got the main ferry/ speed boat/ slow noisy boat it stopped raining and was glorious sunshine.  I contemplated staying but had my ticket so got the boat to Krabi.

My flight from Bangkok to Phuket was fine.  It was on a proper plane, unlike in Laos, which helped.  I arrived at Phuket airport totally shattered after the bus journey next to ting tong (crazy in Thai) woman and no sleep.  The minibus to the main beaches was allegedly full and the taxi prices were extortionate.  I was very close to hiring a car but decided eventually that this was probably not the best plan when I was so tired.  I finally got a cab (which I very nearly didn’t get into as it looked so much like a boy-racer’s car) and went to Nai Yang beach, one of the quietest beaches on Phuket, near the airport.  With my bounds of energy I settled for a somewhat ridiculous resort type place (Nai Yang resort actually) which felt very out of character and not in keeping with my usual lodgings.  I managed to get them down on the price largely I think due to it being low season. 

After checking in I went for a wander down to the beach (all of ten yards or so) and was pleased that it was almost completely deserted and absolutely beautiful.  I had a gin and tonic and a lovely swim before sitting at a beach bar to watch one of the most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen.  After that I headed a bit further along the seafront to get some food and got talking to some locals at another beach side bar.  This led to a few games of pool and plenty of free Sang Som (Thai rum).

The following day I went to a beach a bit further up (Mai Kao) and chilled out for the day.  In the evening I went for an amazing meal at a restaurant which was like a garden with draping vines, waterfalls and an abundance of tiny frogs and orchids growing from the trees.  Later on I went back to the beach bar, played a bit more pool and then ended up at a crazy local karaoke place.  The guy that ran it was one of the bar worker’s cousins.  It was most amusing but also really odd as all the Thais could actually sing.  It was most un-English, I mean even the old drunk guy in the corner had a beautiful voice – or maybe that was the Sang Som!

The next day one of the guys from the bar kindly volunteered to give me a tour of the island.  We set off on his scooter and he took me to the most beautiful beach in one of the many National Parks.  In the evening the same beach bar activated its magnet.  In all fairness there weren’t that many places open and all the staff were really friendly.  Well, other than one of the female staff who told me that she had a present for me.  When I opened my hand she pushed a stag beetle into it and got the reaction she wanted as I shrieked and jumped backwards.  Not that I’m squeamish about that kind of thing you understand, but it was somewhat of a shock! 

There was one exception to the friendliness in the bar which came in the form of a guy I played pool against.  I can’t remember his name but he was basically some white, Western guy who now lived out in Phuket.  He was very over-friendly shall we say.  It really annoyed me as he had clearly decided that molesting Thai women was okay and had extended this in his head to encompass the whole of womankind.  I contemplated knocking him out and then remembered several things I had read about South East Asia and thought this may lead to every man in the bar laying into me.  I decided against it and just gave him polite death stares until he got the message.  Later I asked one of the local guys what would have happened if I had lamped him one and he said that they all would have fallen about laughing as he annoys the hell out of them.  I like Thai people and should so go with my first instincts!

In the book I recently read (“This champagne mojito is the last thing I own”) the protagonist visits Bulgaria and in his amazingly profound way makes an observation about the women there.  He essentially notes that all  the young women are absolute stunners and that then something goes hideously wrong and they all turn into trolls.  I don’t want to show my lack of political correctness here but let’s just say that I think Thailand may be twinned with Bulgaria.  I contemplated how I could ask the locals about this and somehow, tactfully managed to do so without offending them.  No seriously, I actually did.  Anyway, the guy I asked said that the reason was that Thai women got married, had children and that then they don’t care.  I, again with utter tact and diplomacy, asked if their husbands minded or traded them in for younger, stunner-model-types.  Actually I didn’t phrase it quite that badly.  Anyway, the guy’s answer to this was that of course the husband didn’t mind as they loved their wives and they had given them beautiful children.  How cool is that?  English blokes have a lot to learn!

The same evening I was watching t.v. in the bar when someone changed the sports channel to some pants concert with ageing rockers.  I was reliably informed that these were the King’s favourite groups and that the concert was in honour of him.  I suggested it was a bit like the Royal Variety performance and there were several nods of agreement.  I was slightly confused, therefore, when my question of whether the King was there watching was granted with hysterical laughter by all parties.  They later informed me that he was old and ill and rarely traveled.  One thing you read a lot is that the one thing you should -never- do in Thailand is be critical of the Royal family.  Thier love for the King is crazily evident with everyone praising him and many people having his picture in their house.  I was even told by one Thai person that the Thais like the English as their King went to Oxford University.  So, anyway, we’re all sat around watching (me wondering why) this concert of ageing rockers in honour of the King who (wisely) isn’t even there and I would put money on him not having been sat glued to his television set.  It’s at this point that, for some reason, I get curious (as they said he was old and ill) who would take over the thrown when he, well you know, coughed it.  Again, I didn’t phrase my question quite like this but don’t think it was phrased particularly brilliantly, infact I don’t think it would be possible to phrase that question well here.  At this point two of the people who were sat down got straight up and left the table.  One person humoured me slightly and informed me that the King had sons and a daughter and that one of the sons would become King.  I later found out that the following week the guy who politely humoured me was to become a monk….hmmm!

After finding out about the local culture I was somewhat miraculously invited to a local woman’s Birthday party.  This was at a bar a little further along the beachfront.  I asked if this would be appropriate (see picture of cultural relations me) and was told that it would be fine.  When we all arrived the party was in full swing with the obligatory loud karaoke and two small children banging make-shift instruments of bottles and plates in surprisingly good time considering their ages and how far past their bed-time it was.  Actually one of the bar workers said that if he had children he wouldn’t let them stay up so late.  I was a little surprised at this as I thought such boring notions were intrinsically Western.  I probed him further and he stated that if children stayed up late they couldn’t concentrate at school.  I pointed out that it was their mother’s Birthday which, unless there’s some weird Thai custom I don’t know about, means that they would only be up late one night of the year.  The bar worker assured me that this was not a one-off and was demonstrative (no he didn’t use that word) of irresponsible parenting.  Well that was me told – I was quite enjoying their tinkering on various crockery and glassware up to that point aswell!

The woman whose Birthday it was was hilarious and so much fun.  Her, and various others, kept pulling me up to dance (I have -lovely- photos which I will upload soon for all your amusement).  They also kept trying to get me to do karaoke, insisting that they had English songs too.  I explained to the Birthday girl (woman) that if I did karaoke all her friends would leave.  She just smiled, obviously nor understanding, but a man behind her who overheard roared with laughter and then repeated it to everyone like it was the funniest joke he had ever heard.

I asked the Birthday woman how old she was and she told me that she was forty seven.  Forty seven?  Seriously, when you see the pictures!  I asked a couple of people who spoke English who verifed it.  I swear, if she was forty seven I take back the comments about links with Bulgaria!