Zelma’s Trip

I arrived at the bus station one hour before my bus left.  Actually I arrived even earlier than that as I had to buy my ticket.  Why do people always suggest you do that?  It’s not like I had to go through customs or have my bag checked.  The buses also wait until the exact time to leave so that they don’t leave anyone behind so there’s no chance of them leaving early!

I sat at the bus station and a local guy from Mae Hong Son chatted to me.  He told me that his name was Unit and it transpired that this meant the same as in English.  When I ask what people’s names mean I normally expect them to mean something like, "first born", or "child of the good" or something, but Unit…please!  If I have children I will call the first fluid ounce and the second gram!  When he asked my name he kept repeating it in every conceivable way other than the actual correct pronunciation.  When a dog pottered over to us he asked if I liked dogs and I replied that I did.  The dog wandered towards a post and then Unit said he needed to pee.  He then got up and I presumed he was going to get on the bus so said, "Enjoy Bangkok".  He gave me a very strange look as he walked to the toilets and I realised he was talking about himself rather than the dog.  I’m not sure why he gave me quite such a strange look.  Maybe he thought I had presumed that the gents toilet was some kind of tardis which transported you to Bangkok rather than having to get onto the bus.

Finally my bus arrived and I got on and started to write various cards to send home whilst listening to my Ipod.  I then looked up to see a poor Thai bus woman trying to give me a cup of water.  I have no idea how long she was standing there.

After a short while we stopped randomly and an army guy got on.  He stared at me expectantly so I did the same back to him.  He then wandered off and I watched as all the other passengers shower him I.D. cards.  He came back to me and stared at me again so I shrugged my shoulders and smiled at which point he gave up and got off the bus.  I still don’t really know what was expected of me, I guess I could have shown him my passport or something.

I was the only Western person on the bus and was sat next to the passenger from hell.  Firstly she was -the- one on the bus with the super loud ring tone acompanied by an inability to ever find her phone let alone answer it.  This meant that you got the whole ascending ring tone for ages, whilst she ruffled through her bag sighing and then answered the phone when there was blatantly no longer anyone on the other end by shouting, "Hello, hello", for about thirty seconds before getting annoyed, muttering and burying her phone somewhere ridiculously remote so that she could repeat exactly the same farcical  behaviour the next time it rang.  And believe me, there was a next time, and a next time and many at really odd times throughout the night.

The other lovely habit she had was not having any concept of personal space.  This meant that throughout the night I got arms, legs and other assorted body parts, draping across me.  At the first stop I asked the woman who worked on the bus how long we were stopping for.  She looked puzzled, clearly only having basic English so a helpful man at the back of the bus leapt up and rushed forwards asking, "Can I help?".  The answer was evidently a resounding No as his English turned out to be even worse than that of the woman.  Now call me picky here (I’m not expecting Thai people to speak English) but if you volunteer yourself not only to be an English speaker but to  be able to translate, would it not be slightly helpful if you actually had the ability to speak English?

I’ve decided that I am not the most tolerant soul when I’m tired but in all fairness I don’t know too many people who tolerate seventeen hour bus journeys too well.  If you then throw in the social etiquette here which deviates wildly from that in the U.K at times, the almost constant Thai karaoke music and a driver who insists on taking ninety degree mountain turns at about sixty in a double-decker coach, you can perhaps see why.

In the evening we stopped at this place which at first I thought only had a nightclub and clothes shops.  Although that is technically my kind of place I was really hungry.  Eventually I found a guesthouse and confused them by asking for a sandwich.  They laboured over it for some time until one of the buses in the road left.  There were two and I was -fairly- sure mine was the second.  When I looked ominously at it the guesthouse proprietor helpfully said I should have remembered the number and then I would be sure.  Man, if only I was as clever as him, except there was no writing on the bus other than in Thai.  To be fair if I could read and understand Thai I think I would have known precisely which bus was mine….derrr!  Anyway I got my sandwich and my watermelon shake and got back on the bus which was left.

We finally got to Bangkok at around seven thirty the following morning.  I had a flock of drivers around me, somewhat entertainingly there was a taxi driver, a tuk-tuk driver and a motorbike driver, so I played them all off against each other to get the best price.  As soon as I got on the tuk-tuk and we started racing through the streets I felt relaxed and at ease and remembered what I love so much about Bangkok.  True to my word I am not hanging around here and getting stuck again.  I’ve booked a flight to Phuket and leave for the airport at around midday.  From there I’m hoping to explore the South a bit and go to a few of the islands for snorkelling, swimming and general R and R.

Whilst I was pottering about after booking my ticket I decided to get a facial.  One place had a deal with eight treatments for around four quid so I thought I’d give it a go.  I’d seen people have the steam and suction thing through various windows before and asked the lady if it would hurt.  Her reply was, "Do you want it to hurt?", which I must say eased my nerves no end.  It didn’t hurt but I swear she did the face massage extra hard.  I didn’t really appreciate the push the eye sockets into the brain move either.  Prior to having the treatments I asked if there were any full face masks.  There’s something which I thought would be weird if they covered your eyes up.  I don’t know why, maybe it’s the control freak thing in me but at the end she did.  I felt like a mummy except I was embalmed in cucumber smelling bandages.  I was refraining from freaking out sooo much but I did feel a bit like I was dead.  I really am proud of myself that I managed to resist but after she put an exfoliating pad on my face earlier and I nearly jumped out of the seat I thought it best not to.  Needless to say this got a reply of, "Do you want this or not?", at which point I -really- wanted to say No as she asked it like she was talking about a lethal injection but I didn’t.  Although I didn’t technically enjoy the experience I did walk out of there with silky smooth skin.  Unfortunately she took all my eye make-up off so I then had to sit and re-do it in a local cafe whilst topping up my caffeine levels with a big old bottle of coke!

I was dropped off at a guest house in Mae Hong Son by the lake and was pleased that there was a young litter of kittens.  I was pretty tired after the rafting and having had a brief look around, bought some food and showered, had an early night.

The following day I looked around the town properly and then hired a car and driver to take me around the surrounding area.  We went to Pha Sua Falls, a truly beautiful waterfall and also to a fish cave, which, as the name suggests was an area with lots of huge carp which also gathered in a cave.  My guide (who was called Mr Wallop which tickled me) had very good local knowledge and spoke good English.  He showed me a couple of minority villages in the countryside which was nice as I am so not into the whole human zoo tour where they roll out one woman (probably on their books) who sings at you and does a dance (or something).  He also took me to two eco-projects where locals were being taught farming techniques and crops to grow to sell and support themselves.  The area I am in used to be responsible for a huge amount of the opium market and since the Thai government have cracked down on this, many of the locals no longer had an income or means to support themselves.  These projects have been set up to help the locals with them now growing cash-crops like coffee, ferns and flowers for buinesses and organic fruit and vegetables for themselves.  Mr Wallop (tee-hee) then took me to some natural hot springs.  I touched the 70 degrees C water (which also smelled of egg) and had a natural mud face mask.  The latter wasn’t quite so eggy fortunately.  Amongst the countryside was an area known as “little Switzerland” with an area including a huge, stunning lake.  There were bungalows at the lakeside and I couldn’t help thinking what a cool place it would be to stay with either a loved one or a big group of mates.  At this point we were apparently only fifteen minutes walk from the Burmese border however due to rebel factions (and the rest) it was not recommended to try and cross the border in this fashion!

Finally I was taken to the tower at the top on Mae Hong Son which had amazing views down across the town.  Throughout the day there were spells of very heavy rain.  At one point we were going up a steep mountain path and the car began to lose grip.  As we were rolling backwards my guide was telling me that it was okay.  I was wondering how well he actually understood the words “We’ll be okay” as we got closer and closer to the edge of the mountain.  I asked if I should get out and he said I shouldn’t.  Eventually, of course, it was okay, we just went another way and came back to that point later.

Mr Wallop was actually pretty cool (although you’d kind of have to be with a name like that right?) and we had some interesting discussions throughout the day.  One of these was about Buddhism and my guide told me that he had spent two years as a monk.  He said that they had two meals a day, breakfast and lunch and that you would eat what you were given and be grateful for it.  He stated that this meant that you always appreciated food.  He also said that when he woke up there was a moment of reflection to remind yourself that even if today you see something bad then you know that this will be balanced.  He talked a lot about patience and the need to wait for things and be aware that they will arrive eventually, rather than an attitude of wanting everything now.  Mr Wallop told me that his son (eight years old) had just been to monk training school (I know, I’m sure it’s not called that either) and that one of the questions the mother’s family ask here about their future son-in-law is whether he has studied as a monk.  Mr Wallop emphasised the importance of this and stated that many village marriages split up if the man is not familiar in the ways of the monkhood.  When asked why this was he informed me that living as a monk shows you what is important in life and how to live properly as well as respecting other people.  He said that without this people looked for the wrong things and did not treat their wives properly.  Mr Wallop spoke of those who left the villages and sought money and wealth in the towns.  He said that those who returned with wealth often caused jealously but were not truly happy as what they had gone to do was not an end in itself and they were frustrated that what they thought would make them happy had not.  I liked Mr Wallop a great deal, I thought he was a wise man.  He also conceded that you could be educated, well-off and happy, as long as you recognised that wealth and possessions were not the sole route to happiness.

In the evening I went to get some food in Mae Hong Son and got talking to an Irish guy called Andy who was on a motorbike tour of the country.  He was traveling with Jonny, his friend from home, and his guide whose name eludes me.  I went to the upstairs of the bar with them and played jenga with them and a group of three Americans who were out here working for three months.  When the bar closed we headed for a Thai bar in town with amusing locals who chatted me up and danced funnily.  Andy managed to tip half a pint of Chang beer all over my lap which was lovely.  Afterwards myself and one of the American guys (and the Irish guys and guide of course) headed back to where the Irish guys were staying and had a few more drinks whilst listening to music.

The following day can possibly be described as somewhat unproductive.  I explored the town a bit more, got my laundry done, went to the market and did a bit of shopping.  I also made inquiries about buses and was informed that the bus to Bangkok was seventeen hours – joy. 

Today I got up, showered, booked my ticket and checked out.  I’m now trying to kill time prior to being picked up by a local tuk-tuk driver to take me to the bus station.  I’ve been eaten alive in this internet cafe….grrrrr.  Bring on seventeen hours in a bus!!

In the morning Theresa (who is actually from Ontario and not Oregon as I said before – I think) and I went to the rafting office and waited for the other girls to join us.  After grabbing a quick breakfast, we were taken up to the rafting Head Quarters on the other side of Pai.  The three Canadian girls, who turned out to be loads of fun, were Chris, Ashley and Katie.  We were given safety instructions which were actually quite worrying.  The guy inducting us was the owner of Thai adventure rafting, a guy called Guy (hu huh that’s funny) from France.  Later there was a debate about how fit he would have been when he was younger.  Hmmm, that’s what you get with a group of five girls on a rafting trip!  We were told about the perils of the river and things you should and shouldn’t do.  If you got separated from the raft you were to adopt the “safety position” which is basically facing with your feet down-river and floating. We were told that we should keep hold of our paddle and use the free arm to swim (this caused great amusement later when one of our guides lost his paddle in some rapids).  If separated from the boat you were not to aim for objects such as trees as you might get pushed under them ansd stuck in debris and to avoid trying to cling to rocks as they often had other rocks around them (as I later discovered).  At the briefing we were also helpfully informed that the previous day the group had managed to capsize the ducky (the smaller boat) after bouncing into the back of the bigger raft.  Having learnt all the perils of the trip we headed in a jeep to the river.  It was about an hours drive with the latter part being somewhat bumpy.

Once at the river we waited for our guides (Chai and Mr Tip) to inflate the rafts.  We then put our gear into one dry bag which was not to be opened for our overnight things and one kind of plastic dry box which we had access to on the raft.  This had things like cameras, sun cream and of course my cigarettes inside!  When we got onto the river the three Canadian girls were in the bigger raft (which we called big red) and Theresa and I were in the smaller raft/ ducky (which we called the banana boat).

The journey started off relatively slowly with few rapids of any size.  However, before lunch there were a few rapids to speak of.  As well as the rocks there was also the added danger of the trees and bushes.  The bushes were full of spiders so if you bounced into one down the rapids you got covered in them.  A couple of the Canadian girls were petrified of spiders and, once the guides realised how entertaining it was, I swear that they started aiming for the bushes.  We stopped for lunch at a kind of bamboo fishing platform and were fed a lovely rice and vegetable meal.  There was also meat available which turned out to be snake.  After lunch there were some more exciting rapids and we got to a lovely waterfall.  One of the great things about the trip, which I hadn’t expected, was the swimming in the river.  Swimming in a life jacket has always annoyed me but it’s actually really cool when there’s a current and you can just float along without having to do anything.  The only annoying thing, and it was truly annoying, was getting loads of sand and grit stuck in your bikini bottoms.  Mmm, the thought of chafing cheeks is still doing it for me!  At the waterfall the girls decided they were tired and, having had fun and frolics, took to napping in the boats.  I went for a small wander with Mr Tip and sat on a rock and had a cigarette.

Mr Tip was hilarious and when he told us to, “Go”, he would then shout, “Stop”, and then really timidly say, “Thank You”.  He had very limited English but was hilarious.  When he shouted, “Go, Go, Go”, we took to replying with the same in French which he seemed to enjoy partaking in also.  He spent much of the time at the back of the banana boat singing.  He also liked the occasional cigar which was most amusing when he dropped one in the water.  I swear I’d never seen him move so fast, he leapt in with gusto but did manage to save the trusty cigar.  The girls thought it was equally amusing when I lit a cigarette prior to going through some rapids.  Although we emerged truly soaked my cigarette was still alight and didn’t have a single drop of water on it.  Well, a girl’s got to get her priorities right, Eh?

After several more rapids and a biref trip to some hot springs (a small area which stank of egg due to the sulphur) we reached camp.  Camp was a simple affair but a very welcome one.  There was a freshwater shower which, although cold, was amazingly refreshing.  We were fed one of the best meals I have ever eaten which consisted of a stir fry with rice and a yellow curry with potatoes (chicken for the non-veggies) and the most amazing pineapple.  I’m not sure how much the dinner was affected by our insane hunger but it was really good.  That evening some of the Canadian girls partook to some Sam Song drinking.  It was actually really funny as the guides had changed one bottle’s contents for tea.  They then got Ashley to down a shot and she was like, “Hey, hang on, that’s not Sam Song”, to which the guides erupted in laughter.  We all went to bed very early that night as we were truly knackered.

I slept relatively well considering the bamboo floor and it being relatively hot.  I did do that thing for ages of needing the toilet but not wanting to venture down to the toilet hut in the middle of the night.  Eventually I had to and, other than one of the workers thinking I was an intruder and nearly attacking me, I wondered why on Earth I hadn’t gone sooner.  The next morning I was the first to get up (I know, shock horror).  We were given a lovely breakfast of scrambled egg and home-made toast.  The toast and jam went down a treat actually.  Mr Tip was already on form and Chai translated a comment which basically said that we all looked beautiful the night before but didn’t in the morning.  Hmmm, cheers Mr Tip!

We headed off in different boats.  Theresa, Chris and I were in Big Red with Chai and Katie and Ashley were in the banana boat with Mr Tip.  We entertained ourselves by singing songs and generally joking around.  After a couple of hours Katie and Ashley decided it was time to get the Sam Song out again and stopped for regular tipples down the river.  In Big Red we made a version of “Row, row, row your boat” up which went something like this:

“Row, row, row your raft,

Gently down the Pai,

Merrily, Merrily, merrily, merrily,

With Mr Tip and Chai.

Row, row, row your raft,

Gently as can be,

Merrily, Merrily, merrily, merrily,

Arrrgh – a Spider Tree!

Row, row, row your raft,

Drinking Rum and Coke,

Merrily, Merrily, merrily, merrily,

Zelma wants a smoke.

Well, it amused us.  Amongst the other songs was a version of “Spider Pig” from the Simpsons which was actually, “Spider Tree”.  Chai was as amusing as Mr Tip had been the previous day but in a different way.  It was also really funny watching the banana boat and Mr Tip winding the two girls up.  He headed for far too many spider trees and also capsized the boat and pretended he was underneath.

After more frolics, rapids and laughs we stopped for lunch.  Lunch was re-heated stir fry and also the left-over toast from the morning, oh and some sardines.  Although that probably sounds really unappetising it was absolutely great.  Apparently we actually stopped way before the lunch area as we were slow.  Hmmm!  Maybe that was due to the fact that we spent about as much time in the river as in the boats.

After lunch we carried on down the river through more rapids.  At one point I asked if I could swim and, when Chai said it was fine, I jumped out.  I then managed to go through a set of rapids without the boat.  Later, when I was pulled back into the boat I thought my foot hurt, looked down at it, and saw that it was bleeding.  I wished I hadn’t looked as it did that thing of immediately hurting ten times as much as I had noticed the blood.  I’d love to pretend that I was mauled by some mutant pike or that I sliced it up on a rock, but I actually think it was when I got back into the boat.  It really hurt and I went to Chai for some sympathy.  Unfortunately what I actually got was him poking it and then laughing very loudly at me.  The foot’s actually okay, although a local has since said that at least I’ll have a memory of the trip.  I told them very firmly that it was NOT going to scar!  I have also since purchased lotions and potions from a local pharmacist which I hope will assist the healing process, prevent infection and stop the nice chunks from scarring.  I have got slightly concerned that I have no idea what the creams do and that they may just make my feet really hairy or cause me to grow an extra toe or something!

Shortly after the cut foot experience Chris called over to Katie that she had a bug on her armpit.  When she went to flick it off and it didn’t move I calmly pointed out that it was a leech rather than a bug, which triggered a somewhat less calm reaction!

A few hours after lunch we arrived at the final destination which was in the National Park.  As we got out and took various bits back to the jeep I was sad that the trip was over and also to leave the girls.  The whole experience was amazing from the calm stretches of river with fun and jokes to the excitement of the rapids, the waterfall and floating down the river in our life-jackets.  The whole way the scenery was out of this World and, other than at the camp (where there were two other workers) and right at the end (where there were fisherman) we didn’t see another human the whole way down the river.  I would strongly recommend it to anyone who gets the chance.  The only problem was that I was staying at the end destination of Mae Hong Son and the other girls were making the two and a half hour road journey back to Pai so I had to say my Goodbyes to them.

Early in the afternoon the minibus arrived to take me to Pai.  The second person to get on was a girl from Oregon called Theresa who had been traveling with her Dad for 3 months and had just left him.  Later others joined us including a nice girl who was meeting friends in Pai and three guys who were traveling together, one from Ireland, one from the States and one from Australia.  The Irish guy had met the Australian whilst working over there and they apparently met the American on the West coast.  The reason that I am telling you all this is that I think it demonstrates the dynamics of traveling and how people meet up and also as they feature later in my travels.

When we arrived in Pai I instantly liked the place.  It’s amazing how you get good feelings about some places.  I checked into a lovely bungalow at the same place as Theresa.  My bungalow overlooks the river and also has free internet access in the room which is a real luxury.  It’s five pounds a night so I thought I’d treat myself.  I went and had some food with Theresa and then we got ready and went out.  We were going to go to a place called Ting Tong but saw the girl from the minibus in a place nextdoor called re-tox so joined her.  It transpired that the thing to do in Pai is to move from one bar to another en masse.  It was really strange actually.  I mean I’ve done bar crawls but never before have I been somewhere when, at a particular time (not closing time) everyone in the bar gets up and leaves to go to another bar.  It was actually a really fun night and I met a lot of cool people including Bryony who I spoke to for ages.  She lives in Chelmsford and had recently got to Thailand having been working in Australia.  We eventually headed back at around 3AM and the party was well and truly still going when we left.

The following day I went and had an amazing fruit salad breakfast and Theresa hired a bike and went on a cycle ride.  I was somewhat less adventurous and spent a while chilling on my balcony appreciating the views over the river, explored the town and took a few photos.  Later we booked two day white-water rafting trip down to Mae Hong Son.  Tomorrow we raft down the river Pai, through sixty kilometres of jungle, taking in a waterfall (no not rafting over it – well I hope not) and hot springs.  Then we’re staying in a bamboo hut under mosquito nets before a second day of rafting.  I’ve heard really good things about it and have booked it through a reputable company recommended in all the guidebooks (Thai adventure rafting).  We get life-jackets and helmets and the guide has 18 years experience.  When Theresa and I were booking it there were three Canadian girls who will be joining us and they all seemed really friendly.  I’m also quite pleased that they’re not big, burly blokes who’ll out paddle us or something.  I had actually hoped to be able to travel to Mae Hong Son this way as I read about it in my guidebook but then I realised it was dependent on the time of year and river levels so I was doubley excited when I realised I could.  Ooooooh I’m so excited, rafting to travel between places sure as hell beats a bus!

I woke up on the train as I always do on trains i.e. not knowing what time it is as I never seem to get a window and feeling like I’ve gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson.  The only difference today was that there was an added pleasure of a woman screaming, "Morning, orange juice", before screaming, I presume the same thing, in Thai.  I looked at my Ipod and it was 6:15AM.  After unsuccessfully trying to make myself look slightly less like I had been dragged through hedgeland backwards I headed for the dining car.

Whilst in the dining car I met a couple from Leeds who were traveling with their children.  Apparently they were on an organised family tour of the country with a company who specialise in tours for people with children.  Although not the biggest tour fan, I thought this was a great idea allowing both the parents and children to socialise with other families.  Both parents and children seemed to be getting a huge amount from their trip.  When speaking to the woman (yes, I forgot to ask proper things like their names, again) she said that all the young people she met who were traveling had either traveled as children or grown up in foreign climes.  I thought about this and, although a lot have, I also know people who never traveled when they were younger and have still done it (Luce!).  She spoke of not having been further than Wales until she was forty and the importance of children experiencing things.  The legacies that people can give to their children can be amazing.  I’ve always said that if I have children I will bring them up abroad.  Failing that they have to see different cultures.  Although almost apologetic for her lack of travel I really liked the woman.  She was obviously wise as when she asked how old I was and I said twenty eight she said, "Wow, I was going to guess more like nineteen – you wear it very well".  She also said I was very brave, which of course I am!

When we got to Chiang Mai I did the lazy thing of going with one of the reps at the station to her guesthouse.  It was actually really nice and had a small pool.  I decided to have a nap as I was feeling decidedly dodgy only to wake up at six in the evening.  I toyed with going to the stadium to see a Muay Thai bout but actually went back to sleep and only woke up the next morning.  The following morning I went for a wander around the town whilst the locals were getting up and setting their shops up.  I also managed to get completely lost.  I was feeling a bit faint to be fair and got very fed up.  Eventually I decided to get a tuk-tuk back to the guesthouse.  The only problam was that I didn’t actually know the name of it.  I explained to the tuk-tuk driver that it was owned by two sisters and that there was a swimming pool.  I never realised how many swimming pools there could be in one town!  After a tour of several hotels and guesthouses he stopped to talk to a friend at the roadside.  I presumed he was asking them about guesthouses with pools but actually he was probably just despairing about the stupid, somewhat irate English woman sat in the back of his tuk-tuk.  I got the key out which didn’t say the name of the guesthouse but did say "power save" and the room number.  They took this off of me and spent ages trying to find out where this "power save" guest house was which is actually relatively amusing but at the time I was not amused.  I then rediscovered a lonely braincell and realised that I had booked a minibus ticket to Pai through the guesthouse.  I got this out and lo and behold it had the guesthouse name on.  The tuk-tuk driver throught this was hysterical and I presumed that he thought it was funny that I had it on me all along.  I soon found out that, what he found so funny, was that I was actually staying at the first guesthouse he took me to when I protested that it wasn’t the right one.

I finally had my last fitting and got all of my clothes, which are amazing by the way.  I’ve tried to stop plugging things but the place where I wet was "Oscar" tailors and they did a fantastic job.  I spent some time by the hoptel pool, read my book and had a lovely swimn.  As it was supposed to be my last day in Bangkok Sanjay wanted to take me for a drink.  Amongst the places we went to was a bar called Gazebo which is a very relaxed, funky spot with good live music.  There was also a pool table and I played some excellent games prior to returning to form and disgracing myself on the black – following four shots which can only be described as pure genius.

The following day I managed to not leave Bangkok again and nursed a somewhat sore head with fruit juice and sweets.  I pottered about, probably looking truly rough, checked my email and finally updated some more of this thang.  That evening I had some relatively quieter drinks with Sanjay.

On the Thursday I dropped one top back to the tailors to be altered again and posted a parcel home.  I also finally managed to buy my ticket to leave Bangkok.

When I got to the sleeper train I was relieved that firstly, it actually appeared to resemble a train and secondly, that the beds looked okay.  I was somewhat less excited about the fact that you didn’t appear to be able to smoke anywhere.  One guard said that I could smoke in the area between the carriages but when I got a cigarette out a guard on the platform looked at me angrily and shook his head.  Signs everywhere said there was a 2000 Baht fine (around 35 quid) so I put the cigarette away.  Later, after the train had left Bangkok station, I asked another guard who told me that I could smoke in the toilet.  Part of me was like, Erm, yes well I’m sure I "can" smoke in the toilet, in the same way you "can" smoke in the toilets on English trains or you "can" jack-up in the toilets on English trains, but that doesn’t mean it’s technically allowed or particularly legal.  I decided against the idea until my urges got the better of me.  So, I’m stood there like a naughty schoolgirl puffing out of the window of the toilet thinking, "wow, my fellow passengers are going to think I’ve got a severe case of the…." when the train only pulls into a station!  So I’m stood there looking at all these people (including quite a few guards might I add) thinking, "Hmmm, impeccable timing as ever Zelma!".  So I promptly put the fag out, throw about five pieces of chewing gum in my mouth and walk out to confront my fellow passengers who give me looks like they’ll be giving the toilet a wide berth for some time.

Later that night I was feeling peckish so took a wander down the train.  When I got to the dining car I wasn’t sure at first if it was a staff room as there were only staff and they were drinking, smoking and dancing to Thai music.  I was welcomed with smiles as I caught people’s eyes so went in.  I spent a happy few hours sipping coke, smoking cigarettes, without bricking it each time I took a drag, watching the women dancing to Thai music and wondering why the hell I didn’t find this place sooner.

The previous day Nikhil and I had discussed going to a roof-top water park in the city.  When we left each other to go back to our respective guesthouses he still seemed very optimistic about our early morning start.  I was slightly less optimistic about the likelihood of me getting up the same side of midday when going to sleep at 6AM and needless to say, when he came to get me the next morning he wasn’t too successful.  It wasn’t helped byt he fact I had set my alarm and then did that thing of hitting sleep for about three hours without actually getting any.  Another thing which made me want the World to die was the staff at my hotel.  Every morning at around ten thirty they came round, hammered (and I -do- mean hammered, not knocked) on every door and said, "Guest number 305 (or whatever your room number was) you stay another night".  If you said, "yes", they would lkeave you alone and if you said, "No", they would tell you you needed to check-out in a loud, patronising tone.  Not only did this remind me of being woken up for school, it was almost institution like with the added insult of being referred to as a number.  Of course it was okay when you weren’t in your room, as I hadn’t been previously, as they then just came in and cleaned it.  Well I say cleaned, generally when I had been out and came back they had moved a few things around and shut the window!  So, if there was no answer they presumed you were out and went in.  This is what happened to a poor unsuspecting couple in a room across the hall-way from me.  Having got no answer to her screeching request, the staff member went into the room.  I’m not sure who was more shocked, her or the couple inside, but the shrieks and expletives which came out of that room when she burst in on them were the one thing which brought a smile to my face that morning!

Anyway, so I evenually left at about half eleven and went to look for Nikhil.  This was a somewhat arduous (and in hindsight pointless) exercise as, following on from our informative emails, I had no idea where he was actually staying.  Actually, I tell a lie, I knew the road it was on and that he was staying in a dorm.  After several visits to guesthouses proved fruitless I spent a good few hours wandering about and sitting in various cafes hoping he would walk past.  He didn’t.

After my routine getting my clothes re-fitted, I went and chilled out by the roof-top pool and eventually Nikhil asked for me in my room.  We decided to go to a different shopping mall which, as well as a roof-top water park, had an "amusement park", well according t’ tinternet.  We got a metered taxi and both wondered why we had been getting tuk-tuks which now seemed very expensive in comparison.  Although the rides at the park were all closed the place was amazing.  I always think there’s something rather cool about amusement parks when they’re closed at night.  There was one area which was designed like a town and the way it was lit made it look so magical.  An area further on had some games machines which were on (much to Nikhil’s excitement) and there was a bowling alley with locals in some kind of tournament.  One of the reasons I thought it was such a good idea to go to the shopping centre was that I had been craving (much of it vocally) a hot dog for the vast majority of the latter part of the day.  Now you can call me a sad muppet here but my excitement when I saw that hot dog stand was nearly as great as the initial glowing M moment in Pattaya!

When we got back to the Khao San Road area we went for a couple of drinks.  There was an artist painting in the street and I went over to have a look.  He was painting but really fine so that the resultant pictures looked more like they were done in ink.  One of them was particulalrly cool.  There was almost a 30s-esque woman reeclining with only one shoe.  Then, to her right, the shoe was hanging down from the top of the picture by a piece of string with a dog, wearing a skirt, standing on top of a television, trying to reach the shoe.  Nikhil sweetly, seeing how much I liked it, bought it for me.  He also got me a book called, "This champagne mojito is the last thing I own" (by Ross O’Connell).  The protagonist is a superficial, happy-go-lucky dog in heat type character who breaks loads of hearts before losing everything.  Nikhil assured me that he just thought I’d like it and, when I thought about my other current read (S21!) the thought of something light-heaerthed and amusing appealed so I thanked him.  I think one of the reasons for the choice was a conversation we had previously when choosing cocktails.  We discussed favourtie drinks and then I asked him what he thought the "After Sex" cocktail was on the menu.  A very funny, relatively disgusting, conversation followed about the consistency of the liquid involved, whether they would salt-line the rim like a margarita or whether there would just be a fag stuck in the middle!  Imagine my upset when the drink arrived and it was actually a very palatable cocktail!

The book, which I have since finished in record time, was absolutely brilliant and I would whole-heartedly recommend it.  The main character was a dick, but a very likeable one and the comedy superficiality was interspersed with truly poignant moments.

Eventually I finally managed to meet up with Nikhil. I say eventuallly as, following meeting him in the guesthouse in Siem Reap we had email contact when I finally grew a braincell and realised he was also in Bangkok. We then exchanged emails, none of which detailed anything helpful like where we were actually staying. So, I decided that the only thing for it was to send him an email suggesting we meet at the biggest landmark in Thailand’s capital city, McDonalds! After I super-sized myself we went for a wander. I showed Nikhil a Muay Thai training gym which Rene had showed me earlier in the week. I was damn surprised I actually managed to find it again in all fainress as you had to go through an Israeli restaurant to reach the back-street it was in from the main street.

In the evening I took Nikhil to see Elvis and Tom Jones. Unfortunately they weren’t there (and hardly any other people were) however there was a very good local band. We then went to this hip hop bar/ club. We sat outside and watched everyone. The place seemed to draw a massively black crowd and a few of the guys were teaching a local kid moves which he was surprisingly good at. There was one woman who fascinated both me and Nikhil alike. She looked local and was standing in the street with no shoes on dancing by herself. Okay so not that weird in itself but she was there literally all night and she looked so angry. I’m not talking sultry, sexy pout here either. You know the, "I’m so cool I don’t need to smile, I take this dancing shit seriously you know and besides I’m HOT" one. This was like the girl actually wanted to kill someone. She was actually sneering a lot of the time, almost growling like a dog. I thought I’d see all the weirdos in Khao San Road – and believe me they congregate there. One night, well morning really I guess, one of the various casualties on the kerbside was this Western guy with the reddest eyes I think I have ever seen. I looked over at him and saw he had playing cards in his hand. When I looked again he was examining one card very carefully as if he couldn’t figure out what it was. It transpired he couldn’t as he put it in his mouth, chewed for a while and swallowed it. I had previously considered going over to see if he was okay but, after the third card disappeared down his throat, I decided that a playing card eating man was beyond rescuing, even by me! Besides, I wasn’t holding a bucket-full of gin and tonic!

On the Saturday I decided to move guesthouses as it was a bit pricey to stay in the twin I had shared with Elisha by myself and they didn’t have any singles available.  So, with my budget in my head, I wisely opted for a big hotel, closer to Khao San Road with a roof-top pool!  Well, to be honest it’s really nice and works out at around eight pounds a night or so.

After checking in I got a tuk-tuk.  Actually this was somethinhg of an event in itself.  I was trying to get to Chatuchak weekend market but each time I asked tuk-tuk drivers they either told me it would be better if I went the following day or quoted me some extortionate price only to tell me that if I stopped at a gem shop on the way it would be much cheaper, if not free.  I eventually foiund a driver who was willing to take me without the stop on the way, to be pressurised into buying large pieces of glass on the pretence they were precious stones, and we headed off.

The weekend market was huge.  There were sections for pretty much anything you could want and imagine and also sections of things you definitely wouldn’t want and probably can’t imagine.  After I had a really rather good Thai Greeen curry for lunch I managed to find the information desk and got a map which showed me that, other than walking in a kind of comedy spiral, I had actually managed tro cover most sections.  It also begged the question as to why the maps weren’t available at the outskirts of the market.  Or maybe they could have had maps at the outskirts showing you where to find the information and maps sections.  Am I just being facetious now?

I decided I had seen enough of the market and, map in hand, took one of the main routes out.  A little way along there was a street performer.  I’m really going to struggle with a gender here, particularly as they were dressed weirdly and literally had every bit of visible skin painted.  Anyway, they were playing two instruments and singing.  I watched for a while, relatively amused and videoed them on my camera.  I have since watched the video and there’s this really odd trail of water coming from the performer, like, erm…..  Okay enough about that.

With my, actually slightly improving, map skills I managed to locate the exit I wanted.  However, not before buying what can only be described as THE coolest t-shirt in the World.  It was on a stall selling “Hello Kitty” t-shirts which are slightly too kitsch even for me.  It’s “Astroman” and the cutest character you have seen in your life is brightly coloured and adorned with sequins.  I have pictures of me wearing it so you’ll see it in all its glory.  When I asked Nikhil what he thought of it later in the week he said, “Only you could pull it off Zelma”.  Which I thought was a very nice way of saying, “Oh my f-ing GOD”, particularly for a boy!

Anyway, so I escaped that mammoth market, t-shirt in hand and green curry in belly and crossed one of the tidiest parks I have seen in my life.  It was also no smoking which seeemd odd for an open space; maybe that’s why it was so clean, I don’t know.  The sky train entrance was on the other side of the park.  The sky train as the name suggests, actually, do you know what, you’re not complete morons I’m sure you can get this one yourselves.  The sky train is a very cheap and fun way to get around the city.  Again it was scarily clean.  It also had crazy air-con which made tou feel like you were actually inside a giant freezer.  One of my favourite thinggs about the sky-train (other than the amazing views of the city) was the signs inside the carriages.  Similar to those on the Underground in England  which tell you that you should give up your seat for old people, pregnant women etc there were signs which read, “Please give this seat to monks”.  I love things like this as, on one hand you’re in this immaculate, air-con sky train looking across a sprawling metropolis and on the other there are things which remind you you’re not in England.  Well, that and that fact there are an awful lot of Thai people around!  The carriages also had plasma t.v.s.  Call me a cynic but I’m not sure how long they’d last in London.

Having clearly not spent enough time shopping I got off at the stop for M.B.K (don’t ask me what it stands for – maybe Massive Bangkok Kingdom, Malting Bald Kids or Mouse Bites Kangaroo?) which is basically a massive shopping mall.  Well when I say mall, although there were some proper “shops” it was mostly small stalls selling goods which was kind of cool.  Okay, okay I’ve just looked it up…Mah Boon Kong shopping centre.  And who said that my blog’s not informative?!?!  It’s in the Siam Square area of the city.  I bought a few bits and pieces, quite a few actually – oops!!

When I left the mall there was a BMX competition going on outside.  I watched for a while as they did this kind of puissance competition but for long jump.  It was funny listening to the ever-excited commentator as these guys sped along and hopped over two very non-descript poles on the floor.  After a while of watching, and some strange local pensioner trying to chat me up, I hailed a tuk-tuk and headed back.

Elisha left to head South to the islands.  I had quite a non-eventful day mainly consisting of pottering and sitting in cafes.  I went back to the tailors and tried on very basically done clothes.  I was to return many, many times subsequently to try, and re-try, clothes on.  At first it was all quite exciting.  Firstly there’s the buzz of knowing you’re getting cool clothes made and then there’s the whole feeling a bit like a model thing.  Well, without the bulimia and Cocaine of course.  Eventually though you begin feeling a bit like a clothes horse and I also get really paranoid that I’m going to get pricked when several people are sticking pins at you from all diffferent angles.  Needless to say not one pin touched me.

At the end of the fitting the man who worked in the tailors asked me where my friend (meaning Elisha) was.  When I said he had left he offered to show me some bars on the other side of town.  I did the obligatory risk assessment and decided that, as I knew where he worked, I would perhaps have some kind of come-back if any of my belongings went walkies or if he tried anything.  Furthermore, as he was about half my size and weight I decided I could have him!  I was just counting on him not being related to Tony Jaa.  Anyone missing that link really -must- watch Ong Bak.

Anyway so we went out to one bar which is actually quite cool.  It’s just off Khao San Road, shows the football on a big screen and is also based around an old petrol station.  Although the latter did worry me slightly each time I lit up next to the petrol pump!  After a bucket of interesting local spirits Sanjay said that he knew a good bar with live music in Patpong.  I had heard about Patpong and it being one of the most sex-touristy areas of town but he assured me that this particular bar was alright.  We got a tuk-tuk which is sooo much fun at night.  During the day you often get stuck in traffic, get very hot and inhale too much exhaust but at night the roads are much quieter and the tuk-tuks hare around the corners as you see lights merging into lines beside you. 

When we got to Patpong it was even crazier than I had imagined.  Copious numbers of people try to get you into various sex shows featuring women, men and a whole host imbetween.  There are also lots of ping pong shows.  A lot of the places have leaflets which not only tell you what you’re going to see but also helpfully have diagrams, just in case you’re not completely sure.  I was actually a bit overwhelmed by it but when one boy, who can’t have been more than eight, came over and showed me a leaflet with pictures on, the whole area began to sicken me.  Fortunately we weren’t on the main strip that long and my disgust soon faded when we got to the bar and who was on stage?  Yes, you guessed it…..a Thai, Elvis impersonator!  It was absolutely hilarious and I would have gone closer to take a photo but as everyone anywhere near the stage was getting dragged on-stage I decided better of it.  When Elvis finished I was naturally, slightly upset but then Tom Jones arrived and the somewhat bizarre order was resumed.  I laughed so much that Sanjay kept asking me if I liked it and whether I was okay.  I said, “Do you know what surreal means?” which he didn’t.  Later in the evening there was diffferent music but as much laughter, particularly when I taught Sanjay the Y.M.C.A.  From that bar we went to “Boss” nightclub but after a short while I was feeling a bit tired.  That and looking over my shoulder and seeing Sanjay banging into people and spilling their drinks made me decide that it was time to go home.